


Purgatory

by rubyjean_jacket



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Castiel is Bad at Feelings (Supernatural), Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Season/Series 08
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:41:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24085267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubyjean_jacket/pseuds/rubyjean_jacket
Summary: "It felt pure."Dean's struggling with his angel, who doesn't think he deserves to be saved. Takes place in Purgatory, before and during season 8. Character study.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 10





	1. Prologue

"Wake up."

His voice is terse, rough, and more uncaring than I have heard it in years. As much as I enjoyed laying on the ground, his voice has a tone of command that I can't ignore.

I open my eyes, and take in a sharp breath. All around me is dark. Gnarled branches reach around, sending prickles down my spine. The two of us are completely alone, surrounded by ominous outstretched arms that threaten to snatch at us, to tear us apart.

"Good. We need to get out of here," he says. Maybe he can feel the suffocating properties of these trees, too.

I stand up, still in awe often surroundings. Perplexed, I ask him, "Where are we?"

He looks at me. "You don't know?"

Gee, thanks, Cas. I just woke up, and I've been zapped straight into... wherever this is. Fairytale Land? England? 600 BC? "Last I remember, we ganked Dick."

Cas nods. "And where would he go in death?"

Dammit, why does he always have to be so evasive? So 'figure it out yourself, Dean, you're smarter than this'? But fine. Whatever. I'll play along.

And then I realize. "Wait. Are you telling me..." I trail off. Suddenly the scenery makes much more sense. The fact that the air is heavy, hostile. The unidentifiable sounds in the background.

"Every souls here is a monster," Cas says. His voice sends chills down my spine, for multiple reasons. In the trees, a twig snaps. "This is where they come to prey upon each other for all eternity."

The sounds are too close, too loud.

"We're in Purgatory?" I ask, forcing myself to stay calm. "How do we get out?"

Please, Cas, give me some good news.

"I'm afraid we're much more likely to be torn to shreds."

How comforting. We really need to work on his bedside manner. It really is pitiful.

I feel eyes watching me. The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, and my mouth goes dry. Slowly, I turn around to face whatever it is, and see two pairs of large, red eyes.

We need to get the fuck out of here.

"Cas, I think we'd better--" I turn back to him, but he's not there anymore. Panic grips my heart, my throat. "Cas?" I ask the empty air, except it's not empty. It's full of panting, hungry creatures.


	2. One

The dark scenery no longer makes my insides curl. The shadows and the shadows of the shadows don't obscure my vision. If anything, the atmosphere charges my entire being, each molecule, and sends my blood pulsing. Stay alive. Stay alive. Stay alive.

It's one hell of a drug.

I catch glimpses of him as we run, just little snatches between the blur of trees. He's not far ahead, that is, not far enough to be safe. I can hear his ragged, raspy breathing.

For a moment, the noise stops and I lose the trail. Where is that son of a bitch? I wonder, but instead of turning to scan the scene, I instead stay utterly still. Listening. Waiting for him to give himself away.

And then I hear it. A snap of a twig, the sound feet whispering over dead leaves.

In that moment, I know I have him.

As I emerge from the foliage, I take my time, making sure that, unlike my quarry, I make no noise.

I see him, and he's facing away from me, breathing hard. Slightly hunched over, hands resting gently on his knees-- our little run has winded him. Perfect. Everything is falling into place, into neat rows.

Inching forward, I wait until I am only a couple feet away from him, then stop, silently bringing my blade up to a ready position.

Just before I plan to make my move, some sixth sense warns him, and he turns to face me with a yell, throwing himself against me with all the force of a desperate man. Too bad it's not enough. I counter his Hail Mary with cruel precision-- one slash to his weapon-bearing arm and he staggers, dropping his stained, twisted blade with a cry. While he's caught off guard and wounded, I force him up against the nearest tree trunk, bracing my forearm against his chest and my own knife against his throat. He struggles violently, thrashing against me. Fangs descended, I can tell he wants nothing more than to drain me.

"Take a breath," I say, as if reassuring a wounded animal. Well, not exactly. If the animal had rabies and was going to gnaw my hand off. "Calm down. Where's the angel?"

He bares his teeth at me, and I push harder, my blade hovering a hair away from the vampire's throat. Sneering, he says, "You're him. The human."

Yeah, no shit.

"Where's the angel?" I say louder, stronger.

"I don't know."

There's no doubt in my mind that he's telling the truth. I nod once, twice. My grip on him relaxes, and he slumps down the trunk, relieved. But I'm not done.

A lightning flash of steel, and my knife is plunged deep into my prey's arm. He screams, writhing in pain, and I leave him pinned there, his blood staining the dark ground darker, and I approach his weapon.

The handle is wood, worn smooth by sweat, and its original colour is a mystery-- it's been stained ominously dark, almost definitely with blood. It's heavy in my hands, but not unbalanced. It's a fine weapon, and it will do just fine for this next task. 

I turn back to the vampire, letting the blade swing easily in one fluid motion. Just seconds before it cuts through his neck, the vampire closes his eyes, resigned to his fate. Then it's over. His body slumps to the ground, and for a moment his head is suspended on the blade, before tumbling unceremoniously to the forest floor.

As I walk away, I hear a yell, then feel something slam into me, knocking me down and sending my new weapon sliding out of my grasp. My new assailant is on top of me, rows of jagged teeth bared. I struggle against him, and reach desperately for the blade.

It's too far away, and his fangs are getting closer.

It's in that moment that I realize all the things that I'll never get a chance to do. I'll never eat another bacon cheeseburger. I'll never fly down the highway, speeding and blasting Bon Jovi. I'll never see Sam again. I won't be able to protect him.

And I'll never be able to tell Cas. Not that I ever planned on it, but it was a nice fantasy. The two of us. Normal. Safe. Happy.

Now there's not even the slightest chance of it, which is incredibly depressing, much like my impending death.

Which, thanks to the man who rammed into the vampire and chopped off his head, just might be postponed.

Then he bares his own fangs at me, so maybe not.

\--

I don't know how long we stared at each other, man and vampire, monster and monster.

He made the first move. I was shaken, thrown, frozen. I didn't know what to say. Nothing that had just taken place made any sense. The first vamp had no information on Cas, and dammit, I was so sure he would. Then vamp número dos appeared out of nothing.

And then this guy. What the hell.

"What, no thanks for saving your hide?" he asked, his voice smooth with an accent.

Finally I regain my voice, and my confidence. Smiling slightly, I gesture with the wicked, twisted blade and say, "Sure. I won't shove this up your ass."

"Strange way to punch your meal ticket, friend. I got something you need."

Alright. This is a scam. A hustle. I would know; I've run more than my fair share of those. But what if it isn't?

"Yeah, what's that?" I ask harshly, beginning to circle him.

Mirroring me, he says, knowing he holds all the cards, "A way out."

Yeah, right. I laugh at him. "Even a dental apocalypse like you knows there's no such thing."

But what if there is?

"There is if you're human," he says. "God has made it so. Or, at least, that's the rumour."

A rumour? Hell no!

"Bullshit," I scoff.

He shrugs, being infuriating on purpose. Casually, he says, "Suit yourself. Maybe you've gone native. Maybe," he pauses, making eye contact for this next part, "you like being man meat for every Tom, Dick, and Harry."

Dammit. He's got me. "Prove it."

"Nah. You're either in, or you're out."

Of course.

"So you just want to guide me out of Purgatory out of the goodness of your heart?" I ask. The whole thing was hard to follow in the first place, and then there's this. My head hurts.

Pursing his lips, he says, "More or less."

Lies. He's got to have a motive. Everyone has a motive. It's a fact of life. "What's in it for you?" I ask. I'm doing an awful lot of question-asking and he's doing an awful lot of evading.

"I'm hopping a ride."

"What?"

Sighing, he finally loses patience. Good. I thought I was the only one. "It's a human portal, jackass. Only humans can pass through. I show you the door, you hump my soul to the other side."

Huh. That actually makes sense. "So you're looking for a soul train," I say, and he nods.

"If that's what you're into." The expression on his faces shows that he really doesn't care what I call it.

There's just one question I have left. "And how do I know this isn't a setup? How do I know I ain't gonna end up like your friend over there?" I wave my blade in the general direction of the second vampire'a bloody corpse.

"He was my friend." Woah, plot twist. "Now you are. First rule of Purgatory, kid. You can't trust nobody."

I thank my hands up into the air. "But you just asked me to trust you!"

Again, that infuriating smile. "You see? You're getting it now."

I let out a "hmm" noise. Well, if he's allowed demands, I'll make some of my own. Better level the playing field a little.

"First we find the angel," I say, emphasizing my point by pointing the tip of my knife directly at his chest. It's not up for debate.

He raises his eyebrows slightly, and tilts his head, clearly not thrilled with the idea. "Three's a crowd, chief."

"Well, hey," I said, spreading my hands out much like he did before. I smile, like an ass. "You're either in, or you're out."

He chuckles, but not with humour, and he leads me off into the woods.


	3. Two

"I don't think he knows, man," my companion whispers to me. He must have seen the look in my eyes. I don't care. I need to get to Cas.

"Oh, he knows," I say, putting my hand on the monster's shoulder. I have him backed against a tree (it's very effective) and my companion is standing beside me, not supporting my methods but knowing when to stay out of my way.

I lean in closer and whisper, my voice dangerously low and quiet, "Where's the angel?"

\--

The monster pulls against his chains, yelling with pain. "You feel that?" I ask, my knife ready for another round.

He lifts his head slowly, shame written all over his face. "There's a stream," he confesses, unable to meet our eyes.

"Go on."

Now that he's started, the words come easier, tumbling out hurriedly. "It runs through a clearing not far from here. I'll show you," he tries.

My knife moves from by my side to under his chin slowly. I'm in no rush. "How about you just tell me?"

He sighs, sending blood trickling down his chin. "Three days journey. Follow the stream. There's a clearing. You'll find you're angel there."

I look behind me at my companion who raises an eyebrow, then back to my prisoner. "You know what, mutt?" I say, making my voice light and airy. "I believe you."

And then I shove my blade into his skull and watch him choke on his own blood.

I turn away. "Let's go, Benny."

Together we walk into the woods, searching for a stream and my angel.


	4. Three

When I see him, my heart breaks and mends all at the same time. He's crouched at the shore of the stream, washing his hands in it's clear waters. He looks like hell, I think, rugged, dirty, and so fucking hot. I wonder how I look.

I can't stop myself. "Cas!" I yell as I walk towards him. A part of me thought I would be too late. Then he turns, and I see his face.

It's beautiful.

I mean, it was before, but I've never been happier to see him. Never.

"Dean," he says, standing up, shaking water droplets off his hands. His voice is flat. Why is it flat?

Laughing in relief, I pull him into my arms. "Cas," I whisper into his shoulder. Maybe he hears. Maybe he understands. And if he doesn't, well, maybe that's best.

I don't want to let go, but Benny is there, watching, so I pull back, but keep my hands on his wrists.

"Damn, it's good to see you. Nice peach fuzz," I say, which is most definitely not what I want to say, but it's what comes out. He has grown a pretty impressive beard, though, so I'm not lying.

"Thank you."

There's a moment of silence. I clear my voice. "You should meet somebody. This is Benny. Benny, this is Cas," I introduce everybody, and they nod cordially at each other, but I can tell they don't trust each other.

"Hola," says Benny.

Cas deliberately ignores him, which pisses me off, and instead addresses me. "How did you find me?" he asks, sounding harsh and on edge. This place hasn't done him any favours.

I refuse to be drawn into a conflict. "The bloody way," I say simply. Overcome with worry, I have to ask. "How are you feeling?"

"You mean am I still..." Cas makes the sign for crazy, circling his finger around his temple.

"Yeah, if you want to be on the nose about it, sure." If it doesn't bother Cas, then I'm okay with it. 

"No. I'm perfectly sane. But, then, 94% of psychotics think they're perfectly sane, so I guess we'd have to ask ourselves, 'what is sane?'"

Smiling, I shake my head. How is it that when someone is with you, you remember just how much you missed them? "That's a good question," I say, and I can't tell who I'm talking to, myself or Cas.

"Why'd you bail on Dean?"

I turn at the sound of his voice, and shoot Benny a look. "Dude--" I start, but he cuts me off.

"The way I hear it, you two hit monster territory and Hot Wings here took off. I figure he owes you a backstory."

I want to scream that he doesn't owe me jack shit, but the words don't come out that way. Instead, I say this: "Look, we were surrounded, okay? I'm sure some freak jumped Cas and he kicked its ass, right?"

Please tell me I'm right.

But Cas doesn't. "No."

"What?" I ask. That has to be it. Cas would never just leave me, especially in a situation like that, surrounded on all sides by unspeakable creatures. He could never leave me there, bewildered, disoriented, fucking terrified.

"I ran away," Cas says, shifting from one foot to another.

For a moment, the words don't register in me. Dropping his wrists, I repeat his words back to him, trying to decipher the meaning behind them. "You... ran away?"

"I had to."

I take a step backwards as if to steady myself. He reaches for me, but I pull away. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Benny, looking supremely uncomfortable. Serves him right.

"That's your excuse for leaving me with those gorilla-wolves?" I shout. I can't believe it. My hands have started to shake.

He starts to say something, to explain himself. "Dean--"

I don't let him finish. I barely let him start. "You bailed out, and, what, went camping? I prayed to you, Cas, every night!"

Running a fidgety hand along the hem of his trench coat, Cas says softly, "I know." He doesn't meet my eyes.

"You know, and you didn't..." I trail off, putting my hand over my mouth to stifle any sound. I want to be disappointed or even mad, like when Sam screws up, but all I feel is this ache inside me, like something's broken. I don't like it. I remove my hand and ask simply, "What the hell's wrong with you?"

When he replies, he doesn't yell, but his voice is strong and angry. "I am an angel in a land of abominations. There have been," he pauses, searching for the right word, "things hunting me from the moment we arrived."

Not only am I horrified at what he did, I'm horrified at why. Because of a few things that go bump in the night?

"Join the club!" I scream at him, unable to hide the ugly feeling inside me for any longer, and I can feel it turning the air black.

"These are not just monsters, Dean," Cas says, softer this time. I can hear his pain now, and it gets to me. "They're Leviathan. I have a price on my head, and I've been trying to stay one step ahead of them, to," he takes a breath, dropping my gaze, "to keep them away from you. That's why I ran. Just leave me, please."

I feel a clap on my shoulder, and Benny is behind me. "Sounds like a plan. Let's roll," he says, and I get the impression that he is being deliberately blunt.

"Hold on, hold on," I say, brushing Benny off. I'm not leaving Cas here. Not over my dead body.

I turn to him. "Cas, we're getting out of here. We're going home."

I need him to say yes. I need him here beside me. I can't do it without him. I need him. I love him. 

Dammit, I love him.

"Dean, I can't," he says. It's as if he enjoys tearing me apart, breaking my heart. But why is he fighting this? Doesn't he want to be home?

"You can. Benny, tell him."

My vampire companion shifts, before finally answering, albeit reluctantly. "Purgatory has an escape hatch, but I have no idea if it's angel-friendly," he's quick to add.

Benny's great, but he's too selfish. He doesn't want anything to jeapordize his chance of getting out.

"We'll figure it out. "Cas, buddy, I need you," I say, and curse myself. I should've told him. I should've told him.

I can't live without you.

"Dean--"

But I'm hitting my stride now, and talk over his excuses. "And if Leviathan want to take a shot at us," I let a smile break across my face, the first real one in months, "let 'em. We ganked those bitches once before. We can do it again."

His response is crushing. "It's too dangerous."

It's always too dangerous!

"Let me bottom-line it for you," I say. I'm caring, in my own rough way. "I'm not leaving here without you. Understand?"

Cas looks at me, finally. When he speaks, his gravelly voice is lower and quieter. "I understand."


	5. Four

I'm wrestling with a monster, I don't remember if it's a vamp or what. Three swipes of a blade and it's down. I scramble to my feet and back towards where I can sense Benny. Just to be sure, I reach my hand back. As expected, I feel his arm under my touch.

Another wave of monsters crash into us, and we fight back-to-back, like it's the most natural thing in the world. And, in a way, it is. Swinging blades, spitting blood, snarling enemy. It's practically poetry.

Benny is whistling.

I kill a second and a third monster before they run out. Benny's dispatched another one, and is cleaning his machete on its clothing. Always apart from us, Cas takes care of one by smiting it. It's been forever since I saw that move, and it invokes a strange feeling of nostalgia -- a longing for war machine angels and dark alleys.

"Well, I got or admit, Dean -- he's got his strong points, but holy hell if he ain't a magnet," Benny says, coming up behind me. Pride wells up in my heart at that statement. I don't risk my life for just anyone, you know.

But something that he said sounds off to me. "Well," I say, starting to doubt my guide, "before we found Cas, you said it was my humanity that was drawing too much attention."

Get your facts straight, Benny. I wait for him to confess to some lie, but instead he just sighs and says tiredly, "Yeah, that too."

Cas hurries to join us, his stained and torn trench coat flapping slowly in the wind behind him. "Well, I think we're clear for the moment," he says, but I catch the little flicker of fear in his eyes. "It does present a curious curl in the metaphysics, doesn't it? If you murder a monster in monster heaven, where does it go?"

Typical Cas. Covering up his uncertainties with sweeping philosophical statements. I remember, in the beginning, those would send me reeling, which was, in effect, the purpose of them. Now I find it endearing.

Benny... not so much. "And this is the crazy aunt I want to take on the road?" he asks me, equal parts exasperated and sarcastic.

"I am not your aunt," Cas deadpans.

God have mercy on us all.

Our guide fakes a double-take, hand over heart and all. I'm 100% sure that in his first life he was one of those theatre geeks that wears all black, always wears scarves, and takes a vow of silence at the beginning of the semester. "What? Really?"

The sarcasm is strong with this one. Unfortunately for all of us, Castiel is one of the most stubborn people I've ever met, and he refuses to back down.

He steps closer to Benny and practically growls, "I have no possible relation to your sibling offspring."

"Now, you're kidding me," Benny drawls, and I can't take it anymore. I have to stop him before he starts spouting cliches like "my whole life is a lie!" and the classic Star Wars "nooooooo!"

"Oh, you two are killing me!" I shout, snapping them out of their little competition and back into the bloodier reality.

Completely serious now, Cas turns to me. I know exactly what he's going to say before he even opens his mouth, that's how well I know him.

"I have to agree with the vampire," he says, pausing to glare at Benny, "Dean. The risk of crossing Purgatory with a seraph, it's... less than strategic, and certainly when we have no reason to believe that I can pass through the door that you're headed for."

Translation: don't do this, Dean, you dumbass.

Yeah, whatever, Cas. I'm not leaving here without you.

Benny starts in, throwing facts into the mix to try and confuse me. He says. "You see, you're an intact, living human being stuck in Purgatory's craw. This dimension wants to spit you out, which is exactly what's gonna power our escape pod. Now, I'm pretty sure I can squeeze through, too, because, after all, you take away the fangs and the fun, I was born human, too. But..." he trails off, not wanting to finish the statement.

Cas looks up at me. "I don't think it would work for me," he finishes.

"You hear what he's telling you?" Benny asks, speaking loudly so he can drill his words through my thick skull. "Your buddy is saying--"

I know what he said, and frankly, fuck that. Cas knows a lot of things, but I refuse to believe that he knows this one.

I cut Benny off. I've had enough of his whining. He's a grown man, for God's sakes! Would it kill him to use his superb theatrics to act his age? "Listen to me, you undead blood junkie," I say slowly, enunciating carefully so as to not be misunderstood, "I'm the one with the mojo. I'm the one with plan." I make certain to make eye contact with Benny, and hold it until he drops his gaze. Good.

Turning to the angel, I continue my rant. "Cas..." I lose myself in his eyes, and have to force myself out, "we're going to shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us."

It's silent for a moment, because although Cas disagrees with me, he doesn't have the heart to speak up against me.

Or, it is, until Benny jus has to get one last quip in. "Obviously, I'm less than comfortable with that."

Cas and I both roll our eyes at the exact same time.

\--

"What the hell do you know about the value of life? You're a vampire," I say. I'm still pretty pissed at Benny for being a twat.

The three of us are fighting our way through the foliage, which is stronger and more resilient than a plant has any right to be, having a philosophical debate. A hunter, an angel, and a vampire, strolling through monster heaven, debating. How far we've fallen.

"Yep. And I think we know which o our kinds kills more humans," Benny counters, which is infuriating, because he's right.

Cas butts in, armed to the teeth with research. "Well, statistically speaking, that'd be your--"

"Yes, thank you, Cas." I wave his hand away and focus on destroying the weeds blocking my path. Since I can't win the argument, I will defeat these shrubs.

Benny starts in again, less cutting this time. "I get it. You're worried what I might do if we make it topside. I'll start eating your little piggies. I already told you, man – by the time I got iced, I was strictly on blood transfusions, donated blood. Not donated to me, I'll give you that, but I paid good black-market scratch for it."

Like I said, less cutting.

"So what is that? Like the vampire Zone diet?" I quip, glad to be pulling ahead in this childish game of ours.

He lets out a frustrated huff of air, and says, "Look, all I'm saying is I started seeing something in humanity, okay? Something that shouldn't be taken. I drink blood, I don't drink people."

He should put that on a t-shirt.

"And why the hell should I believe you?" It's more for arguments' sake, a way to fill the void that is our trek through God's armpit.

"What does it matter what you believe?" he asks, stoping his sludge through the thorns to turn and yell at me. "You got your head so far up your ass, Dean, you don't even realize we're already done for. The angel knows it." I glance at Cas, who is as despondent as always. "We are never gonna make it with him next to us glowing like a beacon."

But I can't leave him. I won't.

I should just say that.

"Do I need to remind you of our deal? If what you committed do?"

Dammit, Dean. Simple instructions: TELL HIM!

"He is going to get us killed!" Benny shouts, and I'm about to scream something vulgar and disgusting back at him when Cas interrupts.

"We may be able to test that theory."

Instantly, I'm all business. "More monsters?"

Please just be a few vamps. But no. When is it ever 'just a few vamps'?

Cas shakes his head. When he speaks, he no longer tries to mask his fear. "Leviathan."

Remain calm, Dean. "Why don't you blip out of here?" I ask, willing the panic out of my voice, out of my eyes, out of my stance.

"They're too close," he says, "I can't." He looks at me, blue eyes searing into my soul. "Run."

And so we do, tearing our way through malicious bushes who snag on our clothes, weighing us down as surely as knee-deep snow.

\--

It's raining monsters.

It's fucking raining monsters.

Was God fucking stoned when he created these motherfuckering leviathans? Like, they have big-ass mouths, and are cannibals, and RAIN FROM THE SKY LIKE A GODDAMN METEOR SHOWER! What the actual motherfucking fuck?

If only I could pause time to have a deep discussion with the big guy. But right now, thugs are descends to kill us.

One slams in front of us in a cloud of smoke, and we skid to a stop. As the smoke clears, a mound of black goo shapes itself into a leviathan.

"Oh, great," I say, and the three of us take off running again, scattering in different directions. I see Cas run, but get cut off by another. I want desperately to help him, but the first one is advancing on me. Swinging at my attacker, I lose sight of Cas. It only takes two strokes to decapitate the leviathan, and I turn in time to see Cas pinned.

Choking back a scream, I scramble up and rush to him, by I know I'm too far away. I'm not going to make it in time.

Then Benny charges in, chopping its head off with that machete of his, before reaching out a hand to Cas, pulling him to his feet.


	6. Five

"We're getting close," Benny says, after a quick scan of the trees and shrubs and general darkness around us. It doesn't look any different than the miles and miles of forest we've already walked.

Shaking my head, I ask, "Really? I don't see crap." The atmosphere is the same as before— heavy, oppressive. I thought that the air would start to feel different as we approached. Less death-like. "I mean, what's this escape hatch supposed to look like?"

Opening his mouth to answer, Benny hesitates, and Cas is quick to out his secret.

"He doesn't know." 

Please don't do this.

"Hey, you just drug me into the fire. Please tell me you know," I nearly beg, even though I can tell by his eyes that Cas is spot-on.

Our vampire guide tries to reassure me. "It's here," he says, scanning the landscape once more, this time more thoroughly, more panicked. "They promised."

Aw, shit.

I laugh. It's not funny. "Oh, they? That's comforting."

Scoffing at his stupidity, I turn and force my way through the undergrowth, trudging onwards to where a portal had better be. If I get there and I don't see one, I'll skip rope with Benny's intestines.

Everything is silent for a solid three minutes, no one daring to whisper a word, lest my temper blows up, destroying us all, since we're at ground zero.

Finally someone speaks up. From behind me, I hear Cas' low voice, tired and dry, saying, "Well, even if it does exist..."

Those words feel like a hot knife through my chest, but I say nothing.

"Broken record, Cas," Benny says, sighing. It's the most intelligent thing I've ever heard him say. He, too, sounds resigned and hopeless, but I'm not about to turn and look. I ignore them, shoving through flora with renewed rage and strength.

"Dean, it's a human portal," Cas tries again. "There's still no proof that an angel can pass—"

I stop fighting the bushes long enough to turn and glare at him. "Stow it, Cas. You're coming. That's final."

Benny crashes through the growth past me, and Cas puts a hand in my shoulder, sending electricity coursing through me. "I'm just saying... if it doesn't work... thank you for everything."

He breaks my heart. What happened to him? Why is he refusing to be saved?

Tell him!

"Save the Hallmark, okay? It's going to work. Nobody gets left behind."

Close enough.

—

We've been searching for hours, nearly a full day. There's nothing to find.

"Maybe you were lied to," Cas suggests. "Maybe there is no seam."

At this point, I bet all he wants to do is find a place to hide away and get some rest. I couldn't agree more. Then we dispose of Benny. This whole trip was a bust.

But he refuses to believe it. "I lie. I don't get lied to," he spits out, stumbling forward a couple more steps, determined to find the way out. "Aren't you guys all about faith?"

Cas answers that. He says, "Not particularly," but it sounds more like an insult.

We're all desperate. I don't know if we could take the devastating blow if there was no portal.

The world around me is shaky, so I brush it off as another symptom of malnutrition and insanity when a single brown leaf starts to float upwards, delicately dancing and twirling like a dainty ballerina. I stop my futile quest to watch it for a moment, and come to realize I am not alone. My two companions see it, too.

It's an air current one that's causing the leaf to defy gravity. As we follow it upwards with our eyes, a fantastic sight greets us.

"Oh, ye of fucking little faith," Benny breathes out, mesmerized by the pulsing blue tear in the grey sky.

I can't process what I'm seeing. "What the hell?" I manage to choke out, my stock response to any shocking twist of events.

"There it is," Cas says reverently, giving it a moment of admiration before turning to me. "It's reacting to you."

Damn, his eyes are even bluer than the portal.

Benny tears me from my inner thoughts with the clearing of his throat and a nod. "All right. Ready?" he asks.

"Just like we talked about," I reply. Taking my purgatory blade, I draw it meticulously across my left forearm, leaving a large gash.

Our eyes lock. "Putting a lot of trust in you, brother," Benny says quietly.

I smile, though it's a small one. Equally sincerely and equally softly, I counter, "You earned it."

And it's true. We couldn't have done it without him, and damn, he's been a hell of a brother. He holds out his left arm, and I carve a matching slice out of it. Solemnly, we grasp each other's wounded arm.

Benny smiles at me. "I'll see you on the other side."

I nod, then recite the words he had coached me on until I no longer fumbled the pronunciation. Clearly, I speak the incantation, "Conjunti sumus, unum sumus."

We are joined, we are one.

There's a flash of light and then searing pain that threatens to knock me off my feet. Benny is gone, and there is a throbbing, tumourous mass imbedded in my arm.

Goddamn, it hurts so fucking much. Is the son of a bitch doing this on purpose?

When I look up, Cas is looking at me with concern, and, for a moment, I think I see something lingering in his eyes, something I want so damn much.

I shake it off, putting my mind back to the here and now, the fact that death lies behind every tree.

"Let's go," I say, even though I know Cas will follow.

—

Cas and I half-run up the cliff. My heart is pounding, and I feel like it's going to give out. Am I old enough to have a heart attack? God knows I eat enough cheeseburgers.

Suddenly, Cas stops. "Dean, wait," he says, and his face looks so pained that it physically hurts me, pulling at my heart strings. 

I step towards him,about to ask him what's wrong when he does something wonderful, something awful, something I've been too afraid to do for years. Something that leaves my head scrambled into a jumbled mess.

Castiel pulls me close, wraps his arms around me, and places his chapped lips against mine. 

I've lost the ability to think.

My arms entwine themselves around him, and I find myself leaning into the kiss, suddenly hungry for more. We grow more passionate, and it seems like forever comes and goes before we finally break apart.

My heart is racing.

His blue eyes are still troubled. I'm about to ask him what's wrong when a big, black Leviathan meteor slams into the ground in front of us.


	7. Six

I can hear the Leviathan behind us. We're running, but they'll soon catch up. The portal ahead of us glows blue, but it looks unstable, like we'll get there and it'll vanish, leaving us at the mercy of these monsters. Not ideal.

Cas stumbles, and I just barely manage to catch him before he tumbles down the hill into the arms of the enemy. "Cas, dammit, come on!" I shout, noticing he's slowing, and I pull him along a couple feet before letting go. I can't lose him. Not when we're this close.

I skid forward into the seething cloud of blue, but stop myself before I can disappear. I turn back to Cas, fighting the intense pull of the portal. Holding out my hand to him, I yell, "Come on!" as loud as possible, but I can barely even hear myself over the rush of air and the blood pounding in my ears.

He grabs my hand, and I pull him forward. I can see the monsters approaching. We're going to make it out. We have to. We have to finish what we've started. We have to grow old together, and tell the story of how we met, and bicker like an old married couple. Hell, we could be an old married couple. He just needs to hold on.

"I got you! Hold on!"

Pulling him in after me is proving to be more difficult than I imagined, especially since Benny's soul or whatever is causing shooting pains up my arm, and that's the one holding Cas. 

"Dean!"

I've almost got him. "Hold on!" I yell, but it's really more of a plea. 

"Dean!"

Then I'm overcome with the pull of the portal, and my hand slips from his, and I'm torn away.

The last thing I see is his eyes, bluer than the clear blue sky, filled with fear and panic. 

The last thing I hear is his scream, still echoing in my ears. 

I can still feel his rough hand against mine, the burning heat of his mouth.


	8. Seven

This is not how things were supposed to end.

That's all I can think as I tramp through the woods, simply putting one foot forward, then the other. I don't know where I am, and I'm past the point of caring, to be honest. This was not the plan at all.

When I disrupt that couple in the woods, all I can see is Cas. This could've been our life, our happily ever after, or as close as we'd ever get. If only I was a little stronger, if only he'd held on a little longer, then maybe we'd be together. Maybe we'd be happy.

And we'd have to explain ourselves to Sam. Can you imagine what he'd say, Cas? Do you think he'd be surprised, or would he give that little smile and whisper, "I knew it!"

Well, I guess we'll never know.

\--

I hot-wire a pick-up and drive to the place Benny told us about. He's getting antsy, I can tell. I wonder if he can read my thoughts.

\--

The sign on the stone pillar reads "Lafitte". This is the place. I heft a shovel with my right arm, since my left is in a world of pain, and walk towards the windmill. That's where Benny said he'd be. 

The grave marker is a simple wooden cross, which is ironic, 'cause Benny's a vampire. Using the shovel, I begin to dig, fighting through the blinding pain that has migrated from my arm and into the rest of my body. I just know that digging this grave up is gonna be hell.

"This better be you, you son of a bitch," I say, grunting with the effort, "'cause there's no way in hell I'm gonna be doing this again."

\--

I pull myself out of the grave and sit on the edge, with my feet dangling down, trying to catch my breath. I am absolutely covered in the dark, chocolaty soil, and the sweltering sun isn't helping matters.

"Alright," I say, mostly to myself. I stand up, then immediately wish I hadn't. Benny is really not happy with all the time I'm taking. "Hold on, you bastard," I grunt, rolling up my sleeve to expose the bloated, glowing red glowing stuff embedded in my skin. It's pulsing, too, which is both painful and just nasty. "I said, hold on!"

I take out a smaller knife I looted from the truck and draw it across my forearm, incanting carefully as I do so, "Anima corpori... fuerit corpus... totem resurgent."

The soul of the whole body will be raised.

I let the glowing pus substance drip out of my arm and land, sizzling, onto the shrivelled bones I uncovered. As soon as it leaves my body, I feel restored, back to normal.

Well, except for that aching hole in my heart.

There's a flash of light, and then I hear a whoosh. Just like the sound Cas would make when he'd appear or disappear.

I turn, and Benny's standing behind me, fully clothed and everything. He's even got that goddamned beret. What do you know. "Wow, that was fast," I gasp, steadying myself.

"No thanks to you. The hell took you so long?"

I pull myself to my feet, wary of my still-damaged arm. Glaring at him, I let my voice drip with sarcasm to make it as cutting to him as possible. "You're welcome."

He snorts, and starts to test out his joints, cracking his neck with a sickening pop. "Everything working?" I find myself asking, even though I keep telling myself that I don't care about the bastard.

But I do.

Dammit.

"Good enough," Benny says, then opens his mouth wide, as if yawning. Rows of fanged teeth descend, and I have to remind myself not to decapitate him. Then he closes his mouth and the fangs retract, making him appear human.

I see his eyes flick past me, right over my shoulder, and it makes me have to stifle back a sob.

"So... what now?"

"Like we talked about, I guess," I say, sighing and rubbing the bridge of my nose. I am so very tired.

Benny nods sagely, and says solemnly, "Then this is goodbye."

"Keep your nose clean, Benny. You hear me?" I say, after a beat. How am I supposed to say goodbye to someone else?

He smiles, walking towards me with his hand outstretched. It seems too civilized for battle-scarred veterans like us. We shake hands, stiff and formal, so unlike how things were in Purgatory. For some reason, it doesn't feel nostalgic. Instead, it chafes against the very fibre of my soul.

That terrifies me.

"We made it, brother," Benny says, his face splitting into the widest grin I have ever seen, and laughs. Then he pulls me towards him and envelopes me in a tight hug. "I can't believe it," he whispers.

Not we. 

"You and me both," I say, somewhat mechanically.

Cas is still gone.


	9. Eight

"What about Cas? Was he there?"

The words ring in my ears, a cutting accusation.

What about Cas?

"Yeah, Cas didn't make it," I say shortly, turning away from Sam so he won't see the tears shining in my eyes. 

What about Cas?

I hear Sam clear his throat. Oh, here we go. "What exactly does that mean?" he asks.

What the fuck do you think it means?!?!

"Something happened to him down there," I say as way of explanation. "Things got pretty hairy towards the end, and he... just let go." I trail off, and am painfully aware of the catch in my throat.

"So Cas is dead? You saw him die?"

Cas is dead. You saw him die.

What about Cas?

The tears come. I can't stop them.

"I saw enough," I manage to say, fighting to keep my voice even, level, cool. Sam can't know. No one can know.

But Sam keeps prodding. "So, then what, you're not sure?" I can hear the accusation in his voice, and I know that I could read it in his body language if he was in front of me. He knows I'm hiding something. Damn him.

What about Cas?

"I said I saw enough, Sam."

I turn around, and he sees my face, grimy and streaked with tears. He hears the crack in my voice. 

He drops the topic.

"Right. Dean, I'm sorry."

\--

"Look at you. You've still got that look. You're shaky. You're on edge. What was it like?"

Look at you.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," I say, and it's true. It's like describing the taste of salt, or describing colours to a person who is colourblind. You had to be there to truly understand the place.

Sam scoffs quietly. "Try me."

I stare absently at the faded paint of the motel room wall, casting my mind back, searching for the words. "It was bloody," I say finally, starting simple. 

"Messy." 

I remember running for my life, and stepping on a root. My feet slipped out from under me and I rolled my ankle. I was covered from head to toe in blood, dirt, and shit. Cas healed me, but I was still a fucking disaster.

"31 flavors of bottom-dwelling nasties."

Vampires. Werewolves. Leviathan. I kept running into these things that I'd hunted a million time before, but this is different. This is there territory, and there's so goddamned many of them.

"Hell, most days felt like 360-degree combat."

My arm was numb from swinging the blade day in and day out. None of us got very much sleep, and our eating habits were terrible. I was afraid we'd succumb to scurvy before we had a change to be mauled to death, but Cas never let that happen. He took care of us.

"But there was something about being there..."

I see Cas crouched at the river, beautiful as ever. In that moment, he truly looked like an angel.

"It felt pure."

I remember Cas' lips on mine, smooth and rough, soft and chapped at the same time. I remember the fire in my heart, the calm that settled over my mind.

I'll never have that peace again.


End file.
